I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
