my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
