I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
