Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
