Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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