I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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