just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
