I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
