we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
