mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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