i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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