update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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