be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
