I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
