you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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