I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize