there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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