i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
