I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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