...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize