I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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