At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
