hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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