I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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