i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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