The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
