Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
