Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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