i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
