guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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