I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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