just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
