I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
