I wish my penis had an off switch
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
