You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
