I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
