I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
