Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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