So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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