Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
