I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize