Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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