My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
