Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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