I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
