I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
