Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
