mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Barsexuality is the new black.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your penis caused this!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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