I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish my penis had an off switch
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
