I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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