I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
