and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
