I wish my penis had an off switch
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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