Midget sex pt 2 tonight
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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